This week was a mix of emotions for me honestly. I made the decision to fast for three days at the beginning of the week and to spend time in solitude. For a while I’ve struggled with experiencing God’s abundant love, and was hoping I would feel fulfilled by laying everything down through fasting. I was really struggling with feeling like God has blessed everyone around me but will not bless me. I was feeling so unseen by God. I was really doubting His presence. I was honestly pretty angry with God, and was struggling with understanding why I felt forgotten by Him. Day two of fasting I sought out council and had some amazing conversations with a friend at REAP, and realized that what I have been struggling with was feeling like love was received by works. I often feel like (because this has been my experience) love is earned through what I can do for others or what I have to offer. Oh how wrong I am. On day two I stopped fasting but continued to spend time with Jesus for the day. I grew to learn more and more about His character. I learned more of how love is based off of who He is, not off of what He can do for me.
He loves no matter if we feel His presence, if we love Him, if we are close to Him, far from Him, and even if we have or are currently sinning. His love is not something to be earned.
I found myself thinking that if I could fast for God it would make Him love me more and desire to use me more as His vessel. I even subconsciously thought maybe if I fasted God would finally bless my life. BUT God delights in using broken vessels. He has already blessed me with HIS PRESENCE. We aren’t made to have it all figured out for Him to use us and love us. He already does. He IS love.
Thursday was my first ministry day this week after I fasted. We had the pleasure of praying with different families and widows in Grandada. The Lord brought so much peace and unity to so many people. I not only had the pleasure to share the love the Lord has shown me, but I felt deeply loved by the women we prayed with. They were so hopeful, brave, and faithful after the Lord’s heart. Even though they each have had their fair share of obstacles and heartbreaks, their faith was beyond unshakable. Their obedience to God so evidently came out of an overflow of the love and gratitude experienced in their lives. Their faith was deeply inspiring to my walk with Jesus. It can feel like they have little, but because of Jesus they have more than enough.
We also had the pleasure of attending a micro church that same afternoon. I had the blessing to share a message, and shared on Ezekiel 37. This message talked about a prophacey Ezekiel had regarding Israel. We discussed the meaning behind the prophecy of dry bones returning to life and having a new breath. I got to share how the Lord does not leave us where we are. He uses our sufferings, and breeds redemption in our stories. Israel was foreseen to go through years that feel like hope will never come, but the dry bones coming to life revealed that restoration was coming. It revealed that God would be faithful in restoring His promise of leading them to the promise land. It was so beautiful how the community came together, and how each one earnestly desires to seek after the Lord and His heart. I left feeling so filled up.
Friday we got to be apart of a vacation Bible school program at a local church! We got to share a message, play games, and sing songs with so many children. I truly see how their child like faith is beautiful to God.
Ministry this week was hard yet so fulfilling. The Lord is doing so much here in Nicaragua and I feel so blessed to be apart of it.
